It’s difficult being a woman these days. Not only are we expected to be high-flying career tycoons, we must also simultaneously juggle cooking, cleaning and family life with a big smile on our faces. What an interesting result in the fight for equality!

Maybe we don’t have it all that bad, though. We could be living in the 1950s. Our sole purpose in life could be to be the ‘perfect wife’. Given the bombardment of advice that women were subjected to in order to achieve this, it’s a wonder that anybody took any strides forward for feminism at all. But, if you are looking to become Little Miss Perfect, here’s how you go about it.

You must be happy to see your beloved. Take fifteen minutes prior to his arrival home to collect yourself- maybe put a ribbon in your hair, re-apply your make-up or dab on a little perfume. The troubles of your day are irrelevant; it’s not as if cooking, cleaning and looking after the children all day is difficult. You must be an interesting end to his tiresome day at work. Tell him how pleased you are to see him.

Do not complain if he is late home. So what if you spent hours preparing his favourite meal? This is a minor issue compared to what he could have been through at work. Maybe his mistress is only free from 5-6. You must accommodate his every need.

Minimise all noise within the home. Any distractions coming from household appliances may upset your husband, especially if he has had to encounter traffic on his way home. If there are children present, encourage them to inflict all of their noisiness on you instead beforehand. Obviously, you are the one who should have to put up with it, being the one who went through the minor task of childbirth.

Make him as comfortable as he can possibly be. Offer him a cosy chair, or suggest that he lies down on the bed. Provide him with his favourite drink and remove his shoes for him. Speak in a gentle, soothing voice, similar to that employed when conversing with a small animal or child. Never argue back if he is irritable; his world is far more full of stress than yours will ever be, and you are being inconsiderate if you have your own needs.

Ensure that no clutter remains around the house. If, throughout the day, you have somehow failed in maintaining a spotless home, a quick remedy can be found by collecting all wayward items into a laundry basket and hiding it from his view. This minor act of deception will redeem your failings during the day and enable you to rectify the issue when he is next at work.

When you have free time- which, since you merely run the home, you should have plenty of- use it wisely to reflect on how you can be a better wife. If all else fails, you may consider running away with the milkman.